Happy Sunday ya’ll, I am back! And I wore my fancy dress to make my re-entrance 😉
I want to take this blog in a fresh direction, but I think before doing so, I should open up about the break I took. I don’t believe in living in the past, but I do believe in learning from it and embracing the fact that it made you who you are at this very moment.
I had to start over recently in the “love department”. Que downloading all the dating apps, right? Nope. This love was about myself and my heart needed time to heal. I had all these plans in my head with my best friend and dreamed about the smallest things like moving (ok not that small) after years of doing the long distance thing. Waking up on a Saturday and having coffee in bed. Catching sunrises and sunsets together. Decorating and exchanging gifts during this holiday season and all the rest to come. Watching our sports teams play. Sleepovers and pizza nights with his kiddos. Then all that was gone. And it was time for me to let it go. It was not easy, it still isn’t but it’s necessary.
I’ll be honest two months ago, I thought minds would change, and things would go back to the way they were, the thought of having to date again literally made me cry as I thought I had already met my soul-mate. I felt lonely, miserable and all that crappy crap (for lack of better words haha) that comes with sadness. Finally right before I took this little blogging break, I hit rock bottom. I could feel it in my soul, I was there. I knew I needed to start climbing out.
I didn’t distract myself from it, I sat with it. I would think and think and think about the feelings, why I felt them, how I could look at them differently. I starting talking, it helped to know I could sit and talk about things. It made the constant tightness in my chest started to go away.
I started investing in myself. I got rid of all things that did not make me feel happy or I did not need. Cleaned out my phone, closet, car, room. I did things I loved, I stopped planning and just started living. I met a lot of new people, people who have become great friends. I started saying no more often to things, jobs, people that I knew would not better my life. I started going to fitness classes (something I used to hate) but being in a room full of people who all want the same thing, pushes you to try to be your best.
I did not think about dating although I must admit I have a school girl crush on a gentlemen, my friends & I have dubbed the “Starbucks stud” I’ve been running into every morning. I actually embrace the nervous feeling I get when we exchange good mornings and door holds, I never expected to feel that again.
I let go of any negative feelings, hatred, and started to think a lot about forgiveness. Including forgiving myself, which I don’t think I have ever actually done. I felt so silly that I let this situation make me feel so bad, after all I’ve been through in life, I thought I was stronger than that. I forgave myself for that, I am allowed to feel and react. I forgave myself for the feeling of doing something wrong or not being enough. I am enough and I didn’t do anything wrong…I loved and I loved hard and that I will never ever feel bad about. I would do it all over again, love is important to living!
With all that said (I know this post quickly became a novel whoops)…I am happy, all alone, by myself …with nothing I had planned or dreamed about going my way. I started over and made my own happiness.
And you know what ya’ll…it is the best kind of happy.