Yesterday, I spent the day hiking, it was amazing! The fall colors were so beautiful, and the time climbing to the summit was so fulfilling. I will be sharing those pictures with you all this week but here is lil’ sneak peak!
I would be lying to you all if I didn’t admit that even though I spent yesterday high above ground level, I’ve personally been somewhat in the mire. This is why yesterday’s hike was important to me both mentally & physically. Mountains really are like life, there are covered paths, rocky paths, paths that scare you, uphill paths, paths that change, paths that are muddy. Ya’ll it is wild out there to say the least 😉 But they’re all beautiful in their own way. I have to admit I have gone back and forth on sharing the following but I feel that perhaps writing about it can help someone else. And to me, being of help to even just one person is what life is about for me.
Speaking of life, it recently changed for me and although it’s been a struggle, I’ve been focused on making it beautiful for myself. I’ve put away the self development books, podcasts, blogs, YouTube videos etc etc. Not that any of these are bad in anyway, I will probably read more and listen to more at some point. Just for me this time I needed to navigate my emotions, my thoughts, my actions and whatever else I would feel on my own, in my own way.
I know I’m ok, which surprises even myself haha. It surprises me because I really believe I hit rock bottom. I felt like I lost everything I dreamed about and wanted with this one person in one phone conversation. Which in turn meant I lost my hope and dreams for the future. I then let loneliness, jealousy, a feeling of defeat and complete sadness take over. I’ve never done so much sitting on the floor, crying into a glass of wine than I did in the days that followed that phone call. I’ve known trials, pain and sadness too I thought to myself. I’ve lost my Dad, my grandparents whom I was very close with, I’ve been rejected more times than I can count for jobs, for projects, and in my personal life. This is different for me.
I laid in bed at night thinking “What was next, how do I recover, how can I or will I ever have moments like I did over the years, do I even want to!?! I’m scared of being with someone else! I’m scared of starting over.” Finally one night, journaling I decided to write down that whatever is meant for me will be. Which is something a planner (partial control freak) has a hard time of saying. But I wrote it, and then I said it out loud, asking God…right?! “Whatever is meant for me will be, right?!” I know His answer is yes. 🙂
I decided at that moment, I needed to try really hard to let go of outcomes, to honestly and truly be present not just talk about it, to know that those things meant for me will come and those things not will not. Whether it’s a “no” for right now and coming in the future or a “no” forever, I needed to relinquish control and focus on making my own life beautiful, as it is up to me!
I am in the very beginning steps of this, I know. I have started with my health. Changing my eating habits, being more active and not drinking. Drinking I felt worked against me and has for some time. I’m not saying this is a step everyone needs to take or that I won’t have a glass of wine or two with friends in the future. But for now, not indulging is helping me. Writing is helping, and oddly enough, spending a lot of time by myself is helping the most. Do I still randomly cry, yes. Do I miss that person on the other end of the phone, yes. Do I still feel like I have a ways to go, yes. Am I thankful, yes. Do I still believe in dreams and hope, yes. Will I still love, yes. Is life still beautiful, yes.
Ya’ll if you made it through my long winded post 😉 I hope that it was helpful in some way. Sometimes just remembering that we are all works in progress is a good starting point on feeling better.